So, Lately I almost feel like I am a completely different person than I used to be.  From what I remember, and I'm not sure anyone can really remember, I used to be heavy into all sorts of scenes and very animated.  Lately I feel like I'm humdrum and stuck in the same day in and day out routine.  I wash the dishes, do laundry, vaccuum, go to work, file, pay the bills....  I think I forgot how to have fun...   lol, or maybe I just had too much back in the day.  Whatever the case, I feel like I've been trained.  In my life, I never thought I would be the happy to settle down kind of girl, but now it is all I seem to think about.  I quit smoking, quit getting FUCKED UP, (although I rather enjoy being totally sloshed, so that is a will do asap, now that I think about it), quit smoking pot... all for Dan.  And all I can seem to wonder is, if this really what I wanted?

I used to want to turn 21 and go out and have LOTS of friends, and never be lonely on a weeknight.  I never used to be anyway.  Maybe it's a sign of things I'm needing to do still.  Maybe this hurry up and wait feeling isn't so much that I feel like I'm being drug through the mud to becomming an adult, maybe it's just the next step to having a fulfilled life.  But is it what I want right now?  Is this really how it's going to be?  Can I live the rest of my life knowing that there are things that I will always still want to do?  What if I change my mind and decide, hey, I like chicks, or hey, I really hate this in a man, I want out, is it getting to the point where it's too late for that?  Do I need to slow down and start all over to find "ME" again? 

Where am I?  Did I fall off a cliff and wake up and say, "Oh fuck, I wasn't dreaming.  I think this is my life now well I think I might try to enjoy it, maybe I'll even have a cup of tea, and a biscuit.  Yes, I would like a biscuit to compliment the shit that has become my life.  Welcome, remember, you need to wipe all the shit off your feet before you step out the door.... wouldn't want to bother the outside world with this shit.  Now I think I might vaccuum, yes.  I enjoy that.   Ohhhh, the slight hum of cleaning appliances.  I can now live a happy life.  I don't ever want to dream again....  please, no dreaming.  I want this crap hole to last forever, like fucking cinderella..."

I don't know.  And I really wish I did.  I almost feel unsettled, restless, and unfinished as it is.  But I do know that I'm gonna try to figure one thing this week alone to try and find myself.